After Maghrib today, we say goodbye to a fabulous month, a month that had brought us reflection upon ourselves as His servants, a month that had brought out the good in us and also the bad, a month that had brought blessings to the poor because the affordable give zakat. I shall miss this month for it has handheld me through many challenges and obstacles that I had faced. I learned a lot about myself this month and for the first time, I can safely say that I did my very best to make sure that I did the maximum to keep my fast from being jeopardized by any of my silly deeds. I am also glad that this month, the husband and I have been steadfastly praying and together too whenever we could. Oh how I am going to miss this month.
Truthfully, I am afraid to let go of it because I know only too well, that I might revert back to my old and unsatisfying self. Oh how Great is God! He is in control of everything and He has really shown me two sides of myself and unlike a mirror, not only have I been able to see my own reflection but I have been able to live the present life and reflect on my past. Have I changed? Have I changed to become better? Only God knows for I dare not put my foot forward and declare that I have. However, by God's Will, I am leaning closer towards Him and finding my comfort in Him. He has been answering my every prayer and has been my closest companion. Through many ways, My Creator has humbled me. In a way, Ramadhan sorts of psychologised my mind, knowing that it is a good month, I stop myself from doing a lot of things that are discouraged.
What then when Ramadhan ends? Will I continue to watch my prayers? Will I continue to make sure that I look for a place to pray when I am out? Will I continue to read the Qur'an and love the Qur'an? Will I continue to supplicate to My Lord like there is no tomorrow? Will I? I guess, that goes to show that I am still weak in my faith, in my belief, in my will -power. It goes to show that it has not hit me hard that Allah is watching me always. It goes to show how ungrateful and what a hypocrite I am in so many ways. Oh may Allah forgive me! I need His Guidance always. I am so lost without My Lord's Guidance and in need of His Mercy.
Just two days ago, a colleague of mine sat down for a chat with me. He is so much older than I am and has been in his senior post for twenty years. We were talking about how time flies and he reprimanded me for saying the same and said that I still had time. Who says I still have time? As each year goes by, I think about my death and I think about how I afraid I am to meet My Lord. All my sins, all my deeds, the latte weighing much lesser that the former of course. Yes I am one of those who is afraid to die, afraid to meet my death. When I read about the our caliphs, the martyrs of Islam, oh how I do envy them. Sometimes I dream of being born in the time when Islam was first born. Despite the hardship, the sufferings, I know that by God's Will, I will be free from distractions and the materialistic possessions of this world. I would be inches away from the our beloved Prophet, I would be inches away from Allah's mot faithful of believers. Indeed many would deem me crazy, but is it crazy to dream such dreams?
Hopefully, it will be a dream anymore. Hopefully, one day I will make this dream come true but in this lifetime. Ramadhan may be gone soon but Allah is always here guiding us and loving us and reminding us that He will always be here to be worshipped, to be glorified, to be loved.
Goodbye Ramadhan!
I thank Allah first and last, for without His Mercy, nothing is Possible and nothing is Blessed.
All praise and thanks be to Allah, My Lord. - Jaslina Yassin
