Second Day of a Good Month

In The Name of Allah, The Most Merciful, The Most Compassionate

Sometimes I do sit down and reflect. I reflect about my life and what I have gone through all these years to become who I am today. Indeed, I am no angel. I have had my wild days and one cannot imagine the things that I had done when I was in my younger days. In fact, I will readily call those ignorant days. Mum always says that she has not done a good job bringing me up. On the contrary, I always feel that how a person turns out to be eventually depends on that person him or herself. A parent can only do so much. The rest is really up to the individual. My religious mentioned that we humans are not solitary beings. It is quite impossible for us to live only on our own because we are made to be social beings. He gave an example that I will never forget. Uztadz said, the rice that we eat goes through many hands before it reaches our plate. First the seeds are sowed, then harvested when ready. After being harvested, they go through all sorts of processes in the factories before being shipped off to other places on the globe. The rice that we eat go through many hands before ending up on our plates. For this, Uztadz related it to a world that is networked to be socialised and interactive. Thus from these socialising and interaction, we gain experiences and these knowledge shape us into who we are today. Not necessarily some might say. But for me, experiences that I have gone through have made me who I am today. These experiences facilitate my thoughts as I grow and mature, they facilitate my reflections and opinions of myself and the world around me.
I must confess that lately, I have been having that urge to put on a 'tudung'. I am not surprised as I have always knew that 'insyaallah', one day I will put on the 'tudung'. The question is when? Right now, I feel that there are many signs coming my way, showing me that it is time to throw my past away and begin anew. Lately, when I am out, I have been looking at my Muslims sisters and admiring how they look with their long dresses and 'tudung'. I am beginning to notice how dignified they look. I envy them, knowing that they are one step ahead of me in protecting their 'aurat'. Some might say, 'You have already realised this. So why not just put it on?' That is the devil in me who makes me delay, who brings me back to ignorance and materialism, who tells me over and over again to disobey My Lord. And yes, I feel guilty. Yet, the strings of my heart are being tugged at to delay. Right now, I feel like I am hovering in between two lives, my past and present. Sometimes I picture myself as someone who has changed for the better both on the outside and on the inside. I picture myself never having to feel embarrassed or shy when I have to enter a place of worship when I am travelling. I picture myself never having to make my husband feel embarrassed of me because of my dressing. Easy to say, I picture myself becoming a better person, a better servant of God.

I am 31 years old. Maybe it is time to let go of my old ways and adopt the path that has been shown to me since I was born.

I thank Allah first and last for without His Mercy, nothing is possible and nothing is blessed.
All praise and thanks be to My Lord. - Jaslina Yassin